I just want to let young people know not to worry about coming out to their parents because when all is said and done, they love them. We might not handle that conversation very well at the time, but we are doing our best too.
I often read articles and hear interviews about the times when gay people decided to come out to their families, but I seldom read or hear anything from the parents’ viewpoint. As a mother of a handsome gay man, I have experienced this very conversation.
A bit of background…I was a child of the 60s, there were two men who lived together in our street and we didn’t really think anything of it – we just knew them as Andy and Richard at number 21. To this day I do not know if they were gay, but I suspect they may have been. Some of my aunt’s best friends were a lesbian couple and were included in our family gatherings, so they were just part of my life. That was about the sum of my experience growing up.
It was in my 20s at work, and with a different group of friends, when AIDS was the big talking point. You have to remember that at this time no one knew what it was, there was no cure and the government message - of tombstones with RIP - was everywhere. It was a very scary time. Thankfully, more information became available and treatments were found, but not before far too many people had died.
Our son was about 15, he was a gentle soul, kind and caring, hardworking and clever, when I came home from work one day and found him in the arms of another boy. Whilst in my heart of hearts I had always wondered if he was gay, it wasn’t until the words were spoken that it became true. We had THE conversation, and I don’t suppose I handled it very well, but I tried my best in what were strange circumstances.
Whatever parents say, in their heads there is a roadmap of how they would like their children’s life to be - healthy, safe, loved and to give love, perhaps a wedding and children (in 1997 gay weddings were not allowed). And in that one moment, all I could think about was AIDS and protecting my beautiful boy! My husband did not take it very well at all; he thought it was something he had done or didn’t do. We were worried that life was hard enough without adding extra difficulties, but as we talked it through, we all realised that nothing had really changed for us - he was still our handsome boy, and we were still his mum and dad.
What I would just like to say to those struggling with their sexual identity - I know it must be a massive thing for you to ‘come out’ to your parents, but please know that they love you and only want the best things in life for you. If they do not say the right words straight away, it does not mean they don’t love and support you. It may just mean they need to adjust some pictures in their head.
My son and his husband, along with my daughter and her family, are the things that make me most proud of in my life. The times that we spend together as a family are the best times for me. I still want the same things for my children - health, safety, to be loved and to give love, and despite the difficult times, they seem to have found this and I wish this for you too.
Shirley, 2nd year student at the University of Greenwich
